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not_ryan_dunn

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Alone [Aug. 26th, 2009|08:58 pm]
[Current Location |Did I mention I live in a condo in the D?]
[mood | indescribable]
[music |DVD - Planet Terror]

It's a Wednesday night, I've been drinking, I've been thinking, and the only place I can really say what I'm thinking is LJ, since no one comes here. I haven't posted in months, and I know none of my friends on here come here anymore, so only random strangers may see this. I was just on my Facebook page, and seeing my "friends" on there got me completely depressed at my complete failure to maintain connections with people. People I was good friends with just a few years ago have had large events happen in their lives, and I just realized it today. Other people, I don't have the slightest idea of who they are to begin with. And then the people who I still think about all the time, but just do not really communicate with. That may be my problem, that even though I am a professional communicator, I don't really do it if it requires any effort. Now that I mention that, that seems to be a major factor in my entire existence - not putting forth enough effort...


What I like about typing out thoughts like these here is that it helps me think through my issues, because this really is not where I had intended this post to go. My reason for coming here was completely Facebook related superficialities, but that got the wheels turning. I miss the days when not everyone had a Facebook page, so I could just be me there. But now that every family member and co-worker wants to be a friend, how can say the random things I say/think/hear and want to spread? Thus, here I am, the place where no one will ever know what I say.
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All I Ever Wanted Was... [May. 18th, 2009|08:14 pm]
[music |Figure it out, sucka]

Yo...put one up shackle me, not clean logic procreation
I did not invent the wheel I was the crooked spoke adjacent
While the triple sixers lassos keep angels roped in the basement
I walk the block with a halo and a stick poking your patience
Ya'll catch a 30 second flash visual
Dirty cooperative Neptune blue head hurt splits
Ridiculous fathom the splicing of first generation
fuck up or trickle down anti hero smack
I paste the game to zero all completion green
Took an early retirement pick a dream
American nightmare hogging the screen
I'll hold the door open so you can stumble in
and you would stop following me around the jungle gym
Now it's an honor and I spell it with the 'H' I stole from heritage
Marry crutch stolen wretched refuge refuse my teaming resonance
I promise temperance storm breed with a leaning conscious
In a credence relax responsive with my sports outsource the wattage
And I'm sleeping now (Wow!) And the settlers laugh
You won't be laughing when your covered wagons crash
You won't be laughing when the buses drag your brother's flags into rags
You won't be laughing when your front lawn is spangled with epitaphs
You won't be laughing
And I hang my boots to rest when I'm impressed
So I triple knot them then I forgot them
This origami dream is beautiful
but man those wings will never leave the ground
Without a feather and a lottery ticket, now settle down

Slacker bounded imitated tabloid headlined with the post
Shimmy cross the centerfold, and a dead time in ghosts
Giving crumbs for the better souls with seven deadly sins
To hear the plane to crystal conscious
To results a low life counting on one hand what he's accomplished
Ok, lift me to activism chain activate street sweep
Plug in deteriorating zenith pen dragging
I hack swords wars for the morbid spreading of mad men
Now he's got soul
Sitting there licking log cabin in Charlie Chaplin waddle
I could zig zag and zig 'em again for the bad dreams
Sparking my brick wall windows another thicket storm
And if one night in Gotham without the wretched
Houston we have a problem
Dispatch a task of infested patch of city goblins
Who split how many freaks with box cuts of a high road bellow
Heads ripped! Watch red bricks turn yellow
Sort of similar to most backbones at camp Icarus
Raw feelings start congregating at pamper for bickering
Life's not a bitch life is a beautiful woman
Your only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess
Kiss the speaker wire or either pass it for some pagan thresh hold
Stomach full of halo kibbles
Wings span cast black of porn visuals hear the duck hunt ticker tape
Vision and pick apart the pixels
I got a friend of polar nature and it's all peace
When I seek similar stars but can't sit at the same feast
Metal Captain!
This cat is asking if I've seen his little lost passion
I told him: "Yeah, but only when I pedaled past him"
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2009|10:38 am]
Life's not a bitch life is a beautiful woman
Your only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess

All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day
Put the pieces back together my way
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I put up a front so people won't know how vulnerable I'm not. [Oct. 14th, 2008|11:33 am]
But for me sex never enters into it. I don't understand sex. Not that I have anything against women, and I certainly have an appropriate sensibility about men. But when it comes to the actual act of sex, it's always just seemed so undignified.

It's easy to cry when you realize everyone you love will reject you or die.

People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I fake them all, and I fake them very well. That’s my burden, I guess.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all a part of the same compost pile.

Everyone hides who they are at least some of their time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply that you have to be reminded it's there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are all together.
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Nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. [Oct. 10th, 2008|02:11 pm]
Life's greatest comfort is being able to look over your shoulder and see people worse off, waiting in line behind you.

The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had, yesterday.

Are you familiar with Abraham Maslow, the peak experience? It's a single moment that takes you out of yourself. Makes you feel very tiny, or very large. To some extent one with life, or nature, or god. Like seeing all the pieces of a puzzle fit together.

Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.

There comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning. Two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, no thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.

When you're an addict, you can go without feeling anything except drunk or stoned or hungry. Still, when you compare this to other feelings, to sadness, anger, fear, worry, despair, and depression, well, an addiction no longer looks so bad. It looks like a very viable option.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
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(no subject) [Aug. 2nd, 2008|05:12 pm]
It has been months since I've been on here, and the only reason I'm on here now is because I feel like I am completely losing my grip. I'm really starting to question why I even bother anymore. Right now I feel like all I want to do is cry but I can't. I want to break things, I want to smash my head through some glass, I want to be out of it all. Everything is catching up to me and I have no one at all to talk to about anything. This is the loneliest I've ever been in my life and it just seems to get worse every day.
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2008|02:25 pm]
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on

And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too oohoohoo

Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want
And to do what I please
Is first of my to-do list
But every once in a while I think about her smile
One of the few things I do miss
But baby I‘ve to go
Baby I’ve got to know
Baby I’ve got to prove it

And I’ll see you when you get there
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
May my love lift you up to the place you belong
I’m going on
And I promise I’ll be waiting for you oohoohoo
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2008|07:55 pm]
I don't like Facebook because it makes me sad. I just went on there and apparently Hightower is engaged and pregnant. My best friend growing up no longer has a page on there, since he died last week. And no one wants to date me, according to Sparkey and Are You Interested and Mesmo TV Match. And this in a nutshell is why Facebook is a thing of the past for me.
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(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2008|09:08 pm]
Today's the at least third day in the past week where I had moments where I couldn't contain myself and just started crying for no particular reason. Not around people...by myself. But I don't think its a good sign. Or maybe it is. What do I know? I'm just gonna pop in Juno and watch it till I sleep. Having to work from 5-9 every morning stinks, yet its the most exciting part of my day. I just want to do good there and I worry I'm not. I'm sad and lonely most of the time, and I don't know what to do about it.
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Quotes and opinions [Apr. 10th, 2008|06:47 pm]
[Current Location |Underground, baby]
[music |Simpsons/Seinfeld/Texts]

My favorite band this week is killwhitneydead. My favorite album this week is The Odd Couple. The song I'm thinking about right now is

Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
and I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
but there's none for me

(Chorus)

Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
she was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky

(Chorus)

All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say

(Chorus)

But if you were here with me
I'd feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just can't let you say goodbye

You'll notice I posted the lyrics to that song, all except the chorus. Because I don't think anyone who reads this will have the slightest clue what song that is. All I want to do is watch the damn second season of Dexter, but the internet has no clue when I can do that. I wish this post could be more coherent, but thats never really been my style. I feel like knowing movies benefits me more in life than it should.

I have a bazillion things I wanna type right now about who I want to punch in the face whenever I happen to actually meet them, and why, and my true feelings about the nature of all the odd events in my life as a late, but people don't want other people to know things that I know, and there is absolutely no way for me to give anyone the slightest insight into myself without having to spill the whole kit-n-kaboodle. And normally I wouldn't give a shit (and in light of text messages I'm getting right now, I'm probably shouldn't) but for some reason I'm trying to be a little bit better of a person. Someone trusted me with information, and who am I to blow up their spot? All I can say is that a person I enjoy spending time with and want to have sex with but would never try to get involved with in a relationship is currently seeing a guy who I can only describe as a douche who I think she is better than. But thats not what she wants to hear, so I try not to talk about him with her...but god damned if he doesn't get brought up. And she doesn't like that get a strong douche vibe from him (and if you knew anything about him you would to) and I'm starting to think that nothing will ever work in my life because I need to be wanted too badly. And no one can want me because I don't want to be with myself.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2008|11:54 am]
Talk to my counselor 'bout how I feel
Everyone agrees I could use some help
I love my girl more, than I love myself
But she's goin steady with someone else
I don't know what else to do
Said fuck me? Well fuck you too!
I know it sounds real sad but true
Bein alone is nothin new
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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2008|02:21 am]
[mood | Dulllll]
[music |Getting rid of it]

It's been a while. And I have a lot to put down in this one. I guess I'll start with what's most recent, and see where my ramblings take me from there. What happened today...everything was cool, an alright Sunday, til Dooley decides to blow up at me. The problem between he and I seems to be that we aren't really friends...just acquaintances with similar interests. We hang out a lot, mostly just because neither of us has anything better to do. Our relationship is, as I'm realizing I am with nearly everyone, completely and utterly superficial. He freaked out about me criticizing him...which is weird to me because I really feel like I don't as much as he seems to think, and about two months ago he told me he wanted me to be more critical when people fuck up. But the thing is, he was freaking out and yelling, and once I realized he didn't want to try and talk about it, I just sat there. It's strange to sit there in what seems from the outside to be a heated moment (Laycock and Hawk both left the vicinity) and not really care about the situation. I knew it would be fine, whatever weird tension was gone, back to superficial. Back to watching Dexter. How weird is it to know that my greatest opportunity to be famous would be to start a serial killing career? The problem with that is they would have to catch you eventually...and no good can come from that. Moving along, it seems as though I may now have a new job...working 5:30-9 in the morning, finding out where traffic problems are and making the world know...and I'm pretty pumped. I need to get out of my current funk. I need to get it right. The song that best describes my feelings today is blink 182's untitled, from dude ranch. It came on earlier on shuffle and I thought it kinda worked. But maybe Brujeria is better...no one who reads this listens to Brujeria. I hope this isn't where this takes a turn...but someone I know let me read some of their private thoughts and convos the other day. This would be a girl a had a strange past with, but thats in the past, and the present is a whole different ballgame. And if she's reading this, right now she's probably freaking out about what I'm gonna say about what I read...so lets not keep her in suspense. There were a couple of times while I was reading pages and pages of secret documents, the little wording and phrases I would see just ate my insides out, basically confirming all the insecurities I've ever had, making me completely miserable. But none of those comments pertained to me in any way, they were all about her feelings towards other people. But they made me aware that, even though on paper I have numerous similarities towards those people, she never really felt that strongly about me. And the saddest thing to me is that no one has ever really wanted to be with me. I guess the good thing about that is I don't really understand how to make things work, relationship-wise, with people. I try, but somehow I end up doing or saying things apparently I shouldn't and then they hate me. The people I know of who dislike me...I couldn't tell you what I did to make that happen. I feel like I need a new focus point so to get this train back on a track, but I don't know what else I have to cover...I know there's plenty more I could say, but those things are more fun if I get asked them. I think I might be done typing on this...
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2008|11:42 am]
i just want to be friends with people who want to be friends with me. if you dont want to be my friend, thats fine, i wont lose sleep over it. if you do, cool, lets hang out. im free nearly always. i know my last post got a little out of hand, which is partly why im typing this one, the other part being absurd boredness. i realized that what i got into made it seem like im a nut. all i want is to hang out and have fun with people, without having to worry about anything in the future or the past. i worry about the future enough when im alone, i dont want to have to bother with that while im trying to chill. im starting to have dreams and aspirations, but thats down the road...i just want to be less sad and lonely now. lets see how it goes.
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If you really want to know me...this is me [Feb. 19th, 2008|01:20 pm]
[Current Location |Up on the roof, roof]
[music |Ron & Fez, Noon-3]

So I haven't gotten around to posting anything in this journal, mostly because nothing at all in my life has gone on. Not a thing. And every time I think about what I would type on this, I feel as though I shouldn't, because anybody reading anything that I think would only lead to malarkey. I only know of a few people who might read this, and I should catch flack from anything that I put here, since all I think about are stupid, absurd ideas. Earlier, at about 5am, I had so many things running through my mind that I just wanted to get out into the world, and yet I didn't, because I worry about any potential consequences. I mean, I don't know why I think about this stuff, I don't know why I'm essentially the saddest man in Ohio. I used to always worry that I didn't know what I wanted in life; now I worry that I know exactly what I want, and that it just will not work out for me. I went to school, I found something I can do that I think I'm good at and can enjoy doing, but now I have to find someone to pay me. I spend most of my time completely alone, and I think that's helped me figure out myself a bit, I'm figuring out what is important to me, I'm evolving, slowly but surely. And I'm pretty good at putting on my happy face...most people I know don't know how much I want to cry when I think about myself...I think I'm just able to switch off at times, which I guess is good. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, a lot of things I probably shouldn't have...but ultimately I have to believe that my loneliness is inevitable, due to circumstances I never had control over, and my antisocial behavior. I've never understood how to actually meet new people...I'm not sure I've ever tried. And thats why I don't have friends. And hopefully I can throw this out in the middle of a big paragraph and it will be completely neglected by everyone, but at five am I could not sleep because I started thinking about years into the past, about how the real reason I feel I lost the last girl I liked was because I felt like she never really liked me, because the whole time i could not win her over completely, and then within a week of me imploding the situation, she was fully with someone else, smack into a relationship. In hindsight, thats the thing that has hurt me the most...the fact that I felt totally unwanted. And that's the problem I still have...I just want to be wanted. Not by everyone...the majority of people I don't acknowledge their existence, since I know they won't effect me in any way...but I just want certain people to want to be with me. It would make me feel good, hearing someone say "I want to be with you". I know how stupid and silly and teen girl I seem, but its all I got. I spend all my life trying to come across as smart or funny or cool, I use this pad that I've been writing for sooo long already on this one, but at least I'm going deep? I don't know. All my life has become is trying to find a job and trying to save all of the money I make. I just feel like something is on the verge of happening, and I need to be prepared. And I really want to see that movie, I think its Never Back Down, just because its an absurd cross with Volchek from the OC as a badass in an underground rich kid kickboxer circuit. I am going to laugh so much at this movie, its gonna be flat out bonkers. I can not for the life of me think of another single thing that I could type here, sooo....12345678910-Holla!
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(no subject) [Jan. 14th, 2008|12:38 am]
[mood | drained]

I've really got nothing here. I dont think I have anything worthy of saying, but Hawk has been on my case lately, so since I've got nothing else to do, here I am. So I popped in Intermission, such a funny movie, foreigners are hilarious. I can't wait to see There Will Be Blood on Tuesday, I hope I like it. I think I will, since I'm very easily pleased by cinematic experiences. Did you ever see Grizzly Man? Terrible movie...because you know how it ends from the start, and theres never any payoff...you never feel for the guy because he's basically a weirdo, and they cop out with the climax of the movie. I'll go ahead and state that to be the worst movie I've seen at Cedar Lee. But thats because a lot of those movies are really good, and I hate the seats, and their auditorium style theaters just make me afraid the whole time due to the steepnees, and I like the deal they have on Monday nights even though I always work.

I'm applying for jobs all over the place, if I get one, I imagine I'll just up and move to where ever it may be. I'm at a stage in my life where I need to be ready to go, and I guess I'm ready for these shenanigans. I can't really focus on this post, because its all just whistfully optimistic blabberings and none of it matters if no one wants me. I'm gonna watch this movie, sleep, wake up and take steps towards being improved in some way.
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Another... [Dec. 22nd, 2007|04:50 pm]
Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody. I got some money, cuz I just got paid. But how I wish I had someone to talk to...I'm in an awful way.

Christmas? I'll pass. In the past several years I've become increasingly weary or this season, ever since I realized that I'm an adult now. Not that I loved it growing up, my relatives outside of my immediate family usually gave terrible gifts and I don't enjoy family gatherings, but now that I have to worry more about what to get other people, and the fact that there really isn't much I feel comfortable asking for, because I don't like people spending money on me. And none of it will ever be better than the best gift I've ever given. That was so long ago, and now there's no superfluous people who even understand the banana-full-of-monkeys now. They're gone, and now its only cute and meaningful to me I guess.

I really want to see Juno. And There Will Be Blood. And I don't know of anything else, I need to get a life. I need to start doing things, going places, meeting people. I'm so bored all the time, and I need to get a real job. I need to move...New York. Vegas. Piedmont. Somewhere where I can feel like I'm an actual person. But I can't do it alone, I can't afford to. Not with my new car. But aside from my car, I'm fairly debt free, and so I have enough money to pay to live...but not enough to get my own place. That's what roommates are for, and I think in the next couple months I need to find one to move to ? with me. Yea....

I don't know, thinking like this is silly when I am in no way prepared to act. But soon.
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Monkeys are funny [Dec. 13th, 2007|12:53 am]
[Current Location |I fixed my computer! And its working! For over 12 hours now!]
[music |DVD - Ace Ventura When Nature Calls]

So I don't have anything to post, although maybe I should? The only reason I'm typing this is cuz I haven't left the house all day and Hawk is on me to write here more. The problem is that I'm not active enough in the outer realm to have anything of substance to put down here. I'm turning more into a drone who doesn't leave his domicile without prior authorization. I'm making appointments and scheduling and contacting, but not interacting. I guess the rest of this will be those rare occasions? Very odd

So the guy at the radio station finally got back to someone, while not me, and I had to call him a couple more times before he finally picked up. So apparently I start there sometime if he ever gets back to me again to let me actually know when. But I'm moving on. I need to start looking for a real job, and thats what I'm starting to do. I got my demo and resume out to some people, and who knows? I just wish I had more financial stability, or a partner who I could get a place with and move to somewhere and try to be a person, I mean my two marketable skills at the moment (pie hauling and broadcasting) are things that need to be done everywhere...and I think that I am ready for the change, although I will have my breakdowns.....

Yea, and I bought a car last week, and its sweet, and I like it, and I need to take more gooder care of it than the Sat, and now I gotta pay more, but I think it should be okay. Now that I'm getting to drive more at Marco's I have some extra scratch...and it helps that I have no girls around to even consider pursuing so I'm not buying many X-mas presents, just family.

And besides that, I've done nothing. I saw a girl I thought was really pretty yesterday...actually, I saw her twice, but that was it. I wouldn't even have imagined talking to her. I just don't understand how to meet a broad.

I don't really know why I write things, because I hold back some, so what's the real point? If I really want to do this, I shouldn't be afraid of who will read this. The truth is, the things I have to say aren't even true, I'm just very very lonely, and I miss the time when I wasn't. That's all there is to that. I assume I wasn't happy then, just as I assume that I'm sad now. If I knew how to write songs, I could be a decent songwriter. Its just words that sound nice together. But I can't, so I don't. Fuck the corporate world!
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(no subject) [Nov. 28th, 2007|12:58 am]
So I just saw The Mist, which was a fairly good movie, I think, because I think the whole thing was slightly lost on me. The flaw lies in that I spend a fair amount of my time thinking of what should be done in apocalyptic scenarios, and I just couldn't see things getting to where they got in that movie so quickly. I understand that was partialy the point, but I was very conscious of the time passing in the movie, its something I like to try and notice in end-of-the-world flicks, and really...shit went down quick.

Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...
Don't worry scrot. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Now its time for American Gladiators.
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2007|12:37 am]
[mood | EEEEEEEEEEE]

Its blastoff time! So...hang on, i need less light....ok, so I'm down here, still, the upside to that being that now I get to spend more quality time with Scooter. I can't remember exactly what went on in Fantastic Four 2, so I don't know how much I'm willing to pay on it...hopefully it will just show up for 5. When I go to the exchange, I really don't even look at the not cheap section anymore, and I only half-ass look to begin with. I have so many movies at this point that its absurd, and I'll never watch some of them again, but its good to know that I have them I suppose.

I was explaining to my parents today that I am completely miserable in my life, because I feel like I'm where I was a year ago, and thats only sad because 2 months ago I really felt like I was starting to do something and be somebody. And to go from that to sitting at home for a month after I got hired at a job, and then I almost get another, closer job, but I don't because the first one still wants me, and now here I am managing more at god damn marcos. And now I think I need to start day managing? That's crazy...if I did that, I would have to get a raise again...and I suppose that would entail another switch of me and Diggums...rawrr, I just want to deliver pizza and work at a radio station. And I'm more than qualified for both, and technically my paperwork at both says thats what I do. Yet next week I'm managing more than driving, and the 20 minutes I was told it would take to call me back are going on a week. And theres something amiss with my tires, I need an oil change, and I won't even start on whats up with the water. Ughhh. I really appreciate product placement in my movies, because even though its gotten blatant, its the way the world really is. Now thanks to youtube, I can listen to music down here. With no Dragon around, I'm listening to more Static-X to make up for him. I want to fucking break it.

I'm so bored, and typing on here isn't as fulfilling as it should be, so I guess ill watch the rest of trapped in the closet...I'm on 16 of 24 I think...
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2007|12:43 am]
mc chris, bitches. what can i say, good times, you missed it.

one of my favorite things about shows is the fuckers who get kicked out of them...its hilarious. like the bloodhound gang show, where the drunk in the red shirt was pissing everyone off, till he got the guy who turned around and knocked him out...red shirt got kicked, the puncher got to stay.....ok, what ive decided is to just write whatever comes out, and it will be slightly influenced by Shot at Love, but I would not wax my balls for Tila, but I would do it just because im on a television show and i understand what needs to be done for the camera. I get it. i understand a lot of things, but i really worry about the fact that im alone so much lately, and i know im gonna be alone for a while to come, likely more so than i am now, i need to find a job somewhere, i need to move out, i dont really need to in that my parents love me living here, and i havent the means to get a place of my own, and i dont know anyone who are even remotely close to being able to live with....the mist? who knows...if you want to know whats going on with my job situation, i got hired to be a part time board-op for a couple stations in akron, but then the guy who hired me left the place. so it was two weeks later before they gave me a call, i returned it, left a message, they didnt call me back. then, this past thurs, i get a call from wmms here in cleve, asking me if i can come in for an interview for basically the same job, but here...so i dress up, go there, do terrific, tell him about akron, he sends an email to them....later on, he calls, says it was between me and another dude, and he talked to the fella in akron, and that guy still wants me, so he hired the other guy. weak. and i still havent heard from akron. yeesh...i just want to work more. i want something to fill the void i have in my life. thats really what it is...i know my life is missing SomethinG, but i dont care about what that thing is, i just want to find distractions. thats why i say i need to work more or that i need a lady or that i need friends...im just trying to distract myself from my own self. im not a big fan of myself, although i do recognize i am terrific at times. but i worry. and my current state, of being alone so often, forces me to think that i do suck and thats why i am alone. but eh...its probly just that im old and need to do something...make some moves...i dont want to type anymore, i think i may be overdoing it with these entries recently. i know hawk reads them, but hes going on a cruise, so i guess i dont need to post for another week. or if something actually happens in life.

if you just went through the trouble of reading this, comment, let me know your opinions, or what you want to know about me...sometimes i wonder who reads this....
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